Poltergoose script

Here is the final script we will be doing. Next step is to board it which I will do in the next day or so. I am very excited to get going with this project!

Poltergoose: Clubbed to Death (rev.11/21/05)
written by Roger Eschbacher
FADE IN:
EXT. THE LAUGH CASKET -- ESTABLISHING -- NIGHT
The Laugh Casket is in the middle of a rundown cemetery. It's a seedy little club with a few hearses parked out front.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LAUGH CASKET -- CONTINUOUS
Pan across a room that looks like a combination of Dracula's dungeon and the Comedy Store. Patrons include a ghastly assortment of GHOULS, GHOSTS, and familiar MONSTERS. The WAITRESS is vaguely reptilian.
ANGLE ON POLTERGOOSE
off to the side talking on his cellphone.
POLTERGOOSE
But seriously, Jarret, the Laugh Casket? Is that the best you can do?
JARRET (V.O.)
In a word? Yes. Look kid, I don't want to say that your act stinks -- but your act stinks -- like a week old corpse. The only reason you got this gig is that I said you'd go out with the owner's sister.
POLTERGOOSE
What?!
ANGLE ON A SKELETON BAND
lead by DR. BONES, a drummer, finishes up a jazzy number as GIMP THE IMP, a very short monster and the club's owner, crosses to the center mic. It's set way too high for him.
GIMP
(calling o.s.)
Phillipe! The mic! It's too high...AGAIN!!!
PHILLIPE THE ZOMBIE shuffles in and lowers the microphone to Gimp's level. Gimp Phillipe with some INDEX CARDS as he EXITS.
GIMP (CONT'D)
(muttering)
Stupid zombie! I swear the netherworld is going to heaven in a handbasket!
(to audience)
They haven't made a good zombie since 1756! Am I right?
We hear a few affirmative MONSTER GROANS. Gimp checks his cards.
GIMP (CONT'D)
Anyhowl...how about a claw for the ghoul jazz stylings of Dr.Bones and the Bone Daddy's!
There's a smattering of polite . IGOR signals his approval by his head on the table. Dr. Bones and his band riff for another beat.
GIMP (CONT'D)
Let's get this wake started. Our next comic got his start as the opening act for the Duke Skellington Orchestra. Gimp it up for my main ghoul and future brother-in-law...Poltergoose!
ANGLE ON POLTERGOOSE
in the wings.
POLTERGOOSE
Brother-in-law?!
(into the phone)
You can't do this to me, Jarret!
JARRET (V.O.)
I can and I did! Now get on stage before you blow this gig, too.
BACK ON GIMP
throwing a "get your butt in gear" look at Poltergoose. Poltergoose SIGHS then takes the stage. Gimp EXITS to more and .
POLTERGOOSE
(timidly)
Gimp the Imp, ladies and gentleman! Gimp's so short he's always the last to know when it rains hellfire!
ANGLE ON THE MONSTER AUDIENCE
They stare blankly at Poltergoose. We might even hear a .
POLTERGOOSE (CONT'D)
Get it? See he's short so it takes the hellfire a longer time to reach...
There's another beat of silence.
POLTERGOOSE (CONT'D)
(nervously, to Dr. Bones)
Little help, Doc?
Dr. Bones does a on his all-skull drums.
Poltergoose floats over near a VAMPIRE.
POLTERGOOSE (CONT'D)
Where ya from, Tex?
VAMPIRE
Transylvania.
POLTERGOOSE
Ah, Transylvania. The New Jersey of the Balkans...and that's an insult to New Jersey!
(beat)
Cuz you see...
ANGLE ON THE VAMPIRE
VAMPIRE
You suck!
ANGLE ON POLTERGOOSE
He tugs at his collar.
POLTERGOOSE
I know, I totally suck...uh, but so do you and you're a pain in the neck, too!
Dr. Bones does another . Poltergoose waits for the audience, but gets nothing.
POLTERGOOSE (CONT'D)
Get it? He's a vampire? Vampires bite you on the neck -- which would hurt? Pain in the neck?
(big gulp)
But seriously, I love the vampire people, but let's face it, they're not the sharpest stakes in the heart. Dr. Bones, did you hear the one about the blood sucker that wanted to be buried at sea?
ANGLE ON DR.BONES
He shrugs.
DR. BONES
No. What happened?
POLTERGOOSE
Four vampires drowned trying to dig his grave.
Dr. Bones CHUCKLES and does another . The vampire frowns and shakes his head at the lameness of the joke before turning into a bat and flying off.
ANGLE ON A TABLE OF FEMALE GHOSTS
They're not crazy about the last joke either.
GHOSTS
Boooooooooooooooo!!!
Poltergoose turns toward them. He's starting to get even more nervous.
POLTERGOOSE
Thank you ladies! Always nice to hear from a bunch of sheetheads!
The ghosts are shocked and leave in a huff.
POLTERGOOSE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry! I didn't mean that how it sounded! Don't go!
ANGLE ON A WEREWOLF
WEREWOLF
Get off the slab! Ah-oooh!
This time it's Poltergoose who looks offended.
POLTERGOOSE
(defensively)
Oh yeah? Well, the cops just called. Your Mama stuck her face out the window and they arrested her for mooning!
(beat)
Get it? Mooooning? He's a werewolf?
The werewolf smashes the table in anger. Poltergoose SHRIEKS with fright and cowers behind his stool as the werewolf stalks off in anger.
POLTERGOOSE (CONT'D)
(to himself)
Maybe I should've said full mooning.
(sighs)
The things I do for a lousy buck. Oh well.
Poltergoose pops up to give it another shot.
POLTERGOOSE (CONT'D)
So, did you hear the one about the...
Poltergoose stops when he realizes that he's completely emptied out the place with his lame routine. Gimp scowls at him from a corner of the room.
POLTERGOOSE (CONT'D)
(with a sigh)
...ghost who couldn't tell a joke to save his life?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RESTAURANT -- LATER
Poltergoose sits at a table, chin resting on his hand. A female voice babbles on from OS.
FEMALE VOICE
...and that's the reason I don't eat salads anymore, that amount of roughage running through a girl like me could be fatal! Can you believe it?!
WIDEN TO REVEAL that Poltergoose is sitting next to Gimp's sister, GLAMP. She looks just like Gimp, only ten times larger and with a pretty bow tied to her hair. She towers over Poltergoose and eats continuously.
POLTERGOOSE
(deadpan)
Yes.
GLAMP
(in love)
You're so sweet! I'm going to tell my brother how sweet you are! And then I'm going to tell him to book you every night for eternity or else I'll crush his head like a peanut!
Poltergoose MOANS, then his head down on the table.
POLTERGOOSE
(muttering)
Just my luck. You're only allowed to die once.
Glamp spots some uneaten food near Poltergoose.
GLAMP
Oooh! You gonna eat that, Sweetie?
Without looking up, Poltergoose hands her the plate of food which she whole.
GLAMP (CONT'D)
Anyway, I'm going to need you around to help with the wedding plans...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LAUGH CASKET -- CONTINUOUS
We TRUCK OUT for a beat or two while Glamp continues her babbling.
GLAMP
...if there's one thing the women in my family agree on it's that we want our men to be involved. That is unless we don't agree with them in which case there's the whole "crush his head like a peanut" thing...
FADE OUT